How I Hurt My Body & Hormones To Be a Certain Size
This post contains details surrounding topics of eating disorders, disordered habits, and body image issues. If you or someone you know is struggling with disordered eating and need help, please call the ANAD Eating Disorders Helpline at 1 (888) 375-7767
In my early twenties, I imagined that my body was endlessly malleable and unceasingly able. There had not been much, yet, that I couldn’t make it do, at least within the realms of normal, everyday life. If I wanted to run, I went for a run. If I wanted to play pick-up soccer, I played. If I wanted to stay up late and have a few drinks, I stayed up and out - and would still make it to class. I thought I was invincible. Now, a decade later, I’m feeling the truth of a body that is already starting to break down. I’m tired—a lot. I’m not as flexible. My knees are actually starting to creak when I bend down. My metabolism is slowing. I’m feeling the effects of really bad behavior in my twenties… and I did a lot I’m not proud of.
I struggled with eating disorders most of my twenties; I often wonder if people close to me knew the severity of it. I would *punish* myself in the gym or running if I ate too much (what I viewed as too much). I was so determined to be the tiniest person in the room… but at what cost? A lot.
I treated exercise as a way to keep my weight in check rather than as a tool for strengthening and protecting the only body I’ve been given. I worked out to keep the numbers on the scale down and didn’t worry about long-term health goals like building muscle mass or staying limber and flexible.
It’s taken me over a decade to start to get my body in a better state… then throw in three pregnancies back to back to back and the stress of my last baby… I have felt somewhat like I did in my twenties, being discouraged in my body. I feel like I’m starting over again. Heavier than I have ever been in my life…. And that’s okay.
A friend shared this with me the other day and it gave me the strength I needed. “Your body’s main purpose is to worship the God who created it. The book of Romans exhorts us: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship” (Romans 12:1).”
